Tearing At My Soul
by Angelstearz
Summary: Chloe gets hurt and deals with it in her own way. Future fic. Chloe is 17 years old.


Title: Tearing At My Soul  
Author: Angels_tearz  
Disclaimer: Don't own em. Never will, blah blah blah. Also, I don't own the song. It belongs to Merril Bainbridge.  
Summary: Chloe gets hurt and deals with her feelings in her own way.  
A.N.: Chloe is 17 years old. This deals with adult themes (cutting, minor sexual situation).  
Rating: R   
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
Atlanta  
Chloe quietly walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She pulled a new razor from the package and skillfully took it apart to retrieve the razor blade from inside. She pulled her shirtsleeve up and placed the edge of the razor blade on her skin.   
  
(I feel it driving me to something I'll regret)  
  
She hesitated for a moment before pushing it into her skin. She closed her eyes and gladly welcomed the sharp pain that flooded her senses. When she opened her eyes she watched dazedly as the blood trickled down her arm. She looked up at herself in the mirror and cringed. She looked away when she heard her mother's voice talking to her dinner guest. She closed her eyes again and shuddered. Her eyes snapped open and she disgustedly threw the razor blade in the trash. Calmly she put a bandage on her arm and smoothed down her hair and walked out of the bathroom.  
  
(I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane.)  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
Chloe looked around Matt's apartment. She felt a little nervous about what she was doing but not really. He pulled a beer out of his fridge and handed it to her. She tentatively took it from him. She opened the can and took a huge gulp. He grinned, "Whoa girl. Slow down a little. We got all night." She nodded and gave him a little grin. He pulled her down next to him on the couch. They started to kiss and he started to work his way down her neck. When his hands went under her shirt she pulled away quickly. She stood up, "I-I'm sorry. I just can't-" She stopped.   
  
She closed her eyes and in her head she could see what had happened replaying itself. It felt like she was watching a movie. She could see herself walking with Brian, her ex-boyfriend. She could see herself going into his house with her. She could see herself pushing him away. She could still feel his hands tearing her clothes off, could still feel his fist come across her cheek. Even after six months she still felt dirty.   
  
She opened her eyes with a new determination. She had to stop it. She had to make the images go away. She reached for Matt and yanked him towards her. She pushed him down on the couch and kissed him fiercely.  
  
(I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain)  
  
She ripped his shirt open and made her way savagely down his chest. Matt pulled her shirt off. She stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him with her to the bedroom. She had to make them stop. She had to make the memories fade.  
  
(I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane)  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  
  
When Chloe got home she immediately went to the bathroom and threw up. She sat on the bathroom floor with her head in her hands. She could feel the tears come unwittingly and soon her body was shaking with sobs. "Chlo?" Chloe looked up, startled and scared. She didn't want her mother to see her like this. She hadn't known her mom would be here. She thought her mom and coworkers were out of town working a case. She frantically stood and slammed the door, locking it. "Chloe?" Her mom tried to open the door but found it to be locked. "Sweetie? Are you okay?" Chloe closed her eyes. She wanted to say no. She wanted to so bad to open the door and tell her mom everything but she couldn't. Something held her back. She was so ashamed of herself. "Uh. Yeah, mom. I'm fine." Her mother tried to open the bathroom door again, "Chloe, open this door right now."  
  
"I can't, Mom. I was just about to take a shower. I'll be out in a little while, okay?" She didn't hear a reply but her mother didn't try to open the door again so she must have believed her. Chloe leaned over and turned on the shower. She stripped out of her clothes, flinching at her body in the mirror. Matt had asked her what had happened to her but she never did answer him. She stepped into the shower and closed the glass door behind her. She stood there for a few minutes and then felt it all come back. She slid down to the tile in the stall and lay her head back. The tears started to come back again but this time without the wrenching sobs. She sat in the hot water for almost an hour, tears falling down her pained face.  
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~   
When Chloe finally went to sleep, she tossed and turned all night. In her dreams, she relived each moment of what Brian did to her, over and over again. In her dreams no matter how much she tried to fight and tried to scream for help, he hurt her. He hit her and ripped her clothes. When she woke up she could feel the bile rising up in her throat. She ran to the bathroom, closing but forgetting to lock the door, and threw up for the second time that night.  
  
(I feel it tearing at my soul while I'm asleep)  
  
When she stood up she washed her face with a towel and looked in the mirror. The face that stared back at her was a complete stranger. She didn't know the person who stared back at her. She didn't want to know the person that belonged to the pale, gaunt face that stared back at her in the mirror. She broke her stare in the mirror and opened the medicine cabinet. She gently picked up the razor blade and closed the mirror. She looked down at her shaking hands and sighed. She set the razor down next to the sink and pulled her sweatshirt off. She picked up the razor and quickly, precisely cut shallowly into her abdomen.   
  
(I feel it driving me to something I'll regret)  
  
The sharp pain she felt was a small reprieve from the dull pain in her soul. She felt herself cutting into her skin again and again each time the pain becoming sharper and sharper. When she felt herself stop she opened her eyes and looked in the mirror once more. She stared at the blood dripping down her skin. She numbly pulled the white gauze hidden in the back of the bottom shelf out. She quickly and expertly bandaged her cuts. After the initial pain subsided she found herself yet again left with the dull pain in her heart. She could feel the tears start to come back. She could feel the memories start to surface. She shook her head, "No. Nonononononononono." She fell back onto the tiled floor, the images and feelings bombarding her. She could hear her mother walking to the bathroom. She pulled herself into the fetal position and continued to cry. Her mother walked into the bathroom and gasped. She kneeled next to Chloe and held back her own tears as she noticed the numerous jagged scars on her daughter's body. She pulled Chloe into her embrace. Chloe held on tightly to her mom and cried, repeating the word no over and over.  
  
(I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane.)  
  
Lyrics to the song I used:  
'State of Mind'  
Merril Bainbridge  
  
Where do I go from here  
Or am I just like a clock spinning round  
Everything seems so unclear  
Confusion is raising its head  
And I can't make a sound  
  
I feel it tearing at my soul while I'm asleep  
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
  
What if I make the change  
What if I lose all my courage  
This time  
Everything seems so strange  
Try but I can't seem to make a decision  
That's right  
  
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain  
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane  
  
I feel it tearing at my soul while I'm asleep  
I feel it driving me to something I'll regret  
I feel it pounding like a drum inside my brain  
I feel it if it doesn't stop I'll go insane 


End file.
